5 months into becoming a mommy and y’all, this job is no joke! For the first time I’m sitting downstairs, alone, with a cup of coffee, writing this blog. I have wanted to write and do a catch up on what life has been like but it’s been such a struggle. Not just because babies are such hard work (best job in the world though) but because I unexpectedly found myself suffering with postpartum depression.
When I was pregnant with Asher, it was so hard to connect to this baby growing inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, but I wasn’t connected to him yet. I talked to friends and some experienced the same thing and others immediately connected to their baby as soon as the stick showed positive!
No one talked to me about postpartum. I mean, I had seen friends and family experience it but I had no idea what to look for and what was normal and what wasn’t.
After Asher was born I felt strange. I was happy but I almost felt like I was watching someone else’s life happen in front of me. I remember seeing him for the first time and I was expecting to cry with extreme joy. After all, that’s what I’ve always seen. I was told that the minute I set eyes on him that I would be overcome with a love like I’ve never experienced. Why wasn’t I feeling that? I didn’t understand but I figured I was just exhausted. To be honest, that last month of pregnancy was so uncomfortable I couldn’t sleep, I went through 12 hours of induced labor and then had to have a C-section. Surely this had everything to do with it and I would be fine. Those feelings would come after some rest.
The first month would prove to me that things weren’t normal. In the first week I had this unbelievable sadness that I was no longer pregnant. There I was, holding my newborn baby boy and I was crying uncontrollably to my husband because I missed my pregnancy. I missed feeling him kicking and moving inside of me. He kept telling me, “but Jess, you’re holding him in your arms, that’s better?!”, but I couldn’t change how I was feeling. It was almost like I was mourning a loss. The tears didn’t stop there, I remember looking at Asher and continuing to feel so disconnected. This didn’t make sense. I felt so ashamed that I would just sit there and watch him cry. Like I was frozen, watching someone else’s life.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother. I was the little girl who carried around her baby doll and every time I encountered children, I couldn’t wait to play with them. So you can imagine my shock that there I was, with my very own baby and I struggled to attach to him.
For almost 3 months I suffered severe anxiety attacks, I cried non stop and I forced myself to want to take care of my own child and myself. There were times where I didn’t want to live. I spoke with my doctor and she offered pills to help me but slowly over those months each day started to get a little easier. I noticed I began to take pictures of him, which I wasn’t doing before. I was smiling more, the tears were becoming less. So I opted not to take anything. Looking back, I wish I would have after the first 3 weeks. I just didn’t know what was normal. I didn’t know my feelings were not typical but were postpartum depression. No one talks about this. I thought PD was when you want to harm your baby. I believe that can be part of it but knowing what I know now, it is different for every woman who experiences it. It’s time to start talking about this. Women need to be educated so that we can get the help we need. If you’ve suffered or are suffering with postpartum, let’s talk. Let’s help each other.
I am happy and thankful to say that I am totally in love with Asher. That moment that everyone told me I’d “experience a love like nothing else”, is finally here. Every night when I put him to bed, I watch videos and look at pictures of him haha. In the morning I can’t wait until he wakes up (unless he has kept me up all night and then it’s a totally different story lol!) so that I can cuddle him and tell him how much I love him. When I think about it, I get sad that I seemingly missed those first 3 months but I am thankful that it’s pretty much over. I can’t wait to watch this little boy grow as I continue to show him just how much I love him. The truth is, that I loved him before he was born and I loved him the minute I set eyes on him. It just took a minute for my head and my heart to catch up with each other.
Here is the best picture I could get of him. Pardon the baby drool!
